<$BlogRSDUrl$> No Jared Fogle posts since April 20 No Hooters posts since June 24

Friday, October 29, 2004

Continuing the trend of posting things here that I didn't write, here is a rather funny thing that Eddie Spaghetti wrote in a Supersuckers email:

Let's say that the Republican Party is Van Halen and
(for the sake of argument we will time travel quite a
bit) Abraham Lincoln is the David Lee Roth of
Republicans. An ass kicking, slave freeing,
minimize-the-government-in-our-lives bad ass. The
glory years. Then let's say that Sammy Hagar is the
Ronald Regan character, he totally lost the die-hard
but for some reason Van Halen had never been more
popular. Hit after hit. The Van Halen machine makes
more money than anyone thought possible! Next, sadly,
it's time to enter that guy from Extreme, Gary
Cherone. Here is our G.W. Bush. Even the most
dyed-in-the-wool Van Halen fans have to admit, this
was one bad idea, it didn't work and, thankfully we
only had to put up with one record from this version
of the Republican Par..., uh, I mean... Van Halen.
Gary made Van Halen so bad that Sammy Hagar returning
actually seems to be a GOOD idea!

So there you go, even Republicans have to admit that
G.W. has totally "Gary Cheroned" this Presidency,
don't you think? I thought this would help clear
things up for you. Now get out there and buy one of
those "Republicans For Kerry" stickers and help us
make this change. Sure Kerry's no Diamond Dave either,
but who is anymore? It's not like Van Halen's gonna
ask ME to sing for 'em...

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Don't forget...tonight at 8 is the Bee at Freddy's.

6th and Dean

Bring your drinking shoes.

Monday, October 25, 2004

I must say that I am as pleased as punch that the Red Sox are two games up over the Cardinals in the World Series. The Cardinals are faceless and boring although their manager does wear sunglasses in the dugout leading me to wonder if he'll get a leather jacket to wear as well. The Red Sox on the other hand have nothing but character and, of course, they have Johnny Damon. Who else cuts their toenails in the dugout on national televison. Only Johnny Damon. Ahhhhhhh....He's so lovable!

Did I link to this already?

Mrs. Neckface. Also future winner of the spelling bee maybe.

When isn't writing on passed out people funny? NEVER!

I laughed at this. Do you still
respect me?

Ha ha!

The Spelling Bee is back this Wed the 27th!!!

Come on down to Freddy's at 8pm in order to try your luck spelling your heart out. Only one dollar to enter and winner takes all. The last pot was a whopping 19 dollars! Holy mother!

Friday, October 22, 2004

You preferred Kerry's statements 100% of the time

Voting purely on the issues you should vote Kerry

Who would you vote for if you voted on the issues?

Find out now!

My friend Josh Ploeg is a cook and he does cooking tours around the U.S. and Canada taking the Greyhound bus. He even takes a deep fryer with him. Anyway, he wrote in one of his monthly recipe updates about his last Greyhound adventures and I asked if I could put them on here. So, here goes:

I thought I was safe to Portland when “Shorty”, the aptly named
bedraggled sort-of-homeless, talkative and very drunken elderly fellow stumbled past me into another seat. Then he decided I looked friendliest so he moved into the vacant spot next to me. I guess I don’t get a free pass this time! He discussed the homeless problem of Olympia, incoherently yet succinctly,
mostly consisting of complaints of having his shit stolen. He was
headed to the VA hospital in Roseburg for some sort of operation which he kept referring to, saying “They don’ operate on yuh if yer drunk” as he swilled Canadian Mist. He kept repeating himself, mostly talking about how he hated Olympia and could not get the operation if he was drunk. He kept asking me my name and then forgetting it. I could have stopped the conversation
but when I noticed that everyone around me was completely annoyed by his incessant chatter, I decided it really needed to continue, so I
encouraged him a bit. The guy in front of me turned around after the first hour as “Shorty” nodded off and jokingly asked: “Yo’ what’s your name again?!” and everyone laughed and laughed. He awoke and the topic switched to Area 51, which has apparently moved to another secret location which “Shorty” alternately knew, didn’t know or couldn’t divulge. “What’s your name again pardner? Pleased to meet you, they call me Shorty” the other passengers groaned, not again… then he switched gears abruptly- “Thanks for lissenin to
me, I keep fergittin yer name, sorry I keep fergittin it, I, y’know I’m jes gonna call you “Jaz”- “J-A-Z” or “J-A-S” ”. Then he fell asleep. I woke him
up as we pulled into Portland and he stretched, pushing on my face with his hand accidentally. One other passenger thought I should put the smackdown on him, “Dude you gotta assert yourself”. Like it was the pen or something.
It’s Greyhound man, and this poor old guy is more or less harmless,
just leave him alone. Shorty promptly fell on his drunk ass when he got off the
bus and I helped him to his feet. He got tossed from the terminal for possessing a knife and bottle of whiskey, I don’t know if he ever made it to Roseburg but I’m sure he got as far as Burnside.

All seemed well throughout the bus when suddenly there was the sound of furtive pacing while we moved on down the highway. Rustling and
stirring echoed throughout the bus as though some varmint had begun to nest in the rear of the vehicle. Then a loud, bizarre sigh, which sounded so loud and bizarre that it almost sounded like an orgasm. Uh oh. Then came some thumping, moaning and muttering. Nope, ‘twas no big O, other than a big Craze-O. Next came the fateful words as “she” sat down next to the guy behind me: “The reason I am sitting next to you is to tell you how evil George Bush is “ (so far so good), “and that he is taking the body parts of
the elderly on medicare to replace his own because he has HIV”. Oh boy, here we go! “And he caught this because he had sex with Monica Lewinsky who gives ritual HIV and she also slept with me and gave me HIV and she gave it to Arnold Schwarzennegar and I was forced to have sex with Arnold Schwarzennegar and got even more HIV”, “They have a chip implanted in my head, and a beacon sent me all the way to Maryland to get operated on, and that’s why I have to stay intoxicated all the time, so they can’t operate on me, and it could be cigarettes, drugs, alcohol or anything, I just have
to stay intoxicated” (today, it was some kind of upper she was defending herself with, apparently). She got off for the smoke break and the guy she had perched herself by observed “that lady is pretty far out there”. Really? Another passenger told her that some wished to amend the constitution to allow “Arnie” to become president and this sent her into a great whirlwind of activity for a spell as she tried to devise a plan to prevent this from happening and to attempt to get all of us, her fellow riders, to assist in
this plan. Then she began talking about how “Jackie Kennedy is still
alive and lives in Napa Valley and she’s in hiding and pretended to be dead because of her HIV, because or the shame”. This sent my mind wandering and I thought about how much I liked Jackie Onassis and how if she had HIV, she seemed like the sort of person that might come forward about it to benefit other people and then I thought about how HIV, of course, is not necessarily the end of it all in the way this woman seemed to believe, then I became annoyed: why do I have to listen to this rambling person, and then
I thought about Reagan deregulating the mental industry and all of the people that were put out on the street without treatment and how
conservatives always say “oh that old saw” when you bring it up as
though it didn’t effect anybody or those people didn’t matter, and how Ronald Reagan had so much money he never had to worry about his care- he would always be taken care of, no matter how crazy he got- he died well looked after, something this poor woman would probably never achieve. Then we pulled into
Flagstaff at last. “Oh no!” came the flabbergasted, extremely loud cry from Beyond- “Where’s my money- I lost my money- have you seen my money- it was twenty-five dollars. I bought a hot dog and then it was twenty five dollars”. Such is the price perhaps of staying intoxicated to avoid the alien implant/HIV body part removal Schwarzennegar alien wife operation!
“That is the only money I have ever had in my entire life” she
exclaimed as she bombastically and furtively exited the transit to presumably meet her doom at the hands of the conspiracy. Leaving the rest of us to sit aghast and wonder.

As we sat ready to depart Kingman, AZ the driver announced: “well one of y’all was caught misbehavin’ on camera at the Flying J, I guess they took somethin’ so the police will be here shortly and we will be delayed.” Oh- hell no! The passengers exclaimed, and there was a great commotion. Eventually the culprit got up to talk to the driver- he had taken a Gatorade! Accidentally, he said. Then every cop in the whole damn place arrived on the scene and they searched him, shined their flashlights hither
and thither, conferred amongst themselves and acted generally cop-ish, and then let him go when they realized that yes, in fact, it was just a
Gatorade and that this delay was in fact incredibly stupid. ‘We call this one, nothin’ to do in Kingman on a Saturday night’ said one passenger (har har har everyone guffawed). ‘Probably someone out there beatin’ they wife right now!’ said another ‘Cracker-ass shit-town’ (hee hee hee everyone chortled) ‘Look we’re leavin, but they’re all still standin there’ said another- “Way to stay on the case” I chimed in (haw haw haw everyone laffed and
laffed!). The culprit said as we pulled out “I ain’t never heard of Kingman before but I’ll damn sure remember it next time, I’m gonna stay on the bus” (hoo hoo hoo everyone chuckled). The driver said “Well, this fellow I’m sure is right embarrassed, but if we’re honest, most of us have probably done something
like that, I stole something once or twice, but then I got a little
older and a little wiser, at least wise enough to know not to risk gettin’ arrested for a Gatorade!” (hoo hoo hoo everyone hooted). “We only have a few stops left before Las Vegas- gotta pick a few passengers up in Laughlin…”
“Aw hell no!” cried a voice, “They may’uv stolen somethin’ too!” (nyuck nyuck nyuck everyone caroused). The most humorous 10 minutes of one liners ever on the Greyhound, almost made it worth riding. Boy, I need to stop taking the bus!

Friday, October 15, 2004

I know that I haven't put much of my personal touch on here recently. There has been much fun with the Hooter's links and so but there hasn't been much Josh Reynolds "raw". That is going to change. Part of the reason for this is that my job changed and now I sit next to my boss so long and involved posts about Beetle Bailey are just not as possible anymore.

There was some confusion over my Christoper Reeve post where I said "Make God Laugh". This was reference to the fact that everytime a comedian dies they put "Make God Laugh" on the church marquee. This happened with Chris Farley, Belushi, and probably Dangerfield. But this got me to thinking: What should you write for Christopher Reeves? "Make God more aware of spinal injuries"? You tell me. That is what the comments are for.

Speaking of my boss has had some real zingers lately:

1. "I feel happy if I can get you guys to work four hours a day."

2. "I don't care if you drink(booze)in here." This happened after I saw someone had an open beer in the office and I remarked that it seemed a bold move. The coworker told me what this is what the Boss said.

3. "I can tell that the job market is bad because you still work here."

CEOcast...where hilarity ensues.

This is not really related but my friend Todd Ptold me the other day that his parents have started a Llama farm. Here is a very interesting FAQ about these animals. Of course, llamas are very cute.

This guy has a great post on the Man Vs. Beast show that was on Fox. It involves a llama.

The last event was just plain weird. They placed a llama against a little person (midget) in a foot race. I don’t think they had fed the llama in about two days because he kept spitting at the little guy trying to beat him to a bushel of carrots at the end of the race. The llama won hands down.

There is an Irish guy in my office. His name is Cormac. Now, I wear the same pants about five days in a row. So does Cormac. Now, probably 30 is a little too old to be wearing your pants five days in a row, but 55 is really too old to be doing so. Not only the same pants but the same shirt often as well. He also wears a lime green sports coat and brings bananas to everyone on the staff every friday. I'm not kidding.

Apparently Martha is doing ok in jail.
The best news -- everyone is nice -- both the officials and my fellow inmates.
Now what I don't understand is why are people sending her money? Why? Why? What thinking produces the result of putting money in an envelope for a woman who is admittedly behind bars but is, like, super duper rich? Did they think she went all poor and stuff? Perplexing.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Mega site of Bible studies and information

Check out the URL on this site.

Monday, October 11, 2004

HoustonChronicle.com - Former Astro Ken Caminiti dead at 41 of apparent heart attack

I was going to name a cat "Ken Camakitty" once.

ABC News: Christopher Reeve Dead at 52

R.I.P. Chris. Make God laugh.

Friday, October 08, 2004

I am F'ing back people! Yes! So...um...what to say. I figured I would just talk about myself as usual.

Does anyone else think that the punchline here is nasty?

Friday, October 01, 2004

Josh Reynolds

Comments! Get with it people!

Dale Miller's Home on the Web

There is no reason you shouldn't be exploring this site.

I found this with a Hooters search and there is some Hooters stuff on here but he also has a Livejournal and his "dating resume" which informed me that he can recite Dr. Seuss' The Lorax from memory.

Toot's - Good Food and Fun

In my hometown of Murfreesboro TN we had a Hooters rip off restaurant called Toot's. Unlike Hooters with its very suggestive owl mascot, Toot's had a big ol' clam as their mascot. Think about that for a second.

sundaymirror.co.uk.co.uk - SADDAM: VOTE ME IN AS YOUR PRESIDENT

This didn't get much play here in the states but I think it's pretty funny. This this guy really has chutzpah.

Here is a photo taken of a Hooters poster at Saddam International Airport.

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